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Thread: stranger things

  1. #21
    Registered User WolfyWolf's Avatar
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    I love this rp because of how fast y'all post, but I'm still impatient. Anyone mind if I do some editing? Just re-wording, spelling, grammar, and tense.... I'll post edits here. Completely your choice whether or not you want to use them.
    Crippling Depression :3

  2. #22
    Registered User WolfyWolf's Avatar
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    Mappy- post #1

    Stranger Things (Open to All)

    1984 - Hawkins, Indiana

    In the past month, a monster in town had killed several people and teenagers, and assaulted police officers. A few agents were killed and many people in Hazmats suits were seen in town. There was a big assault. The monster killed many agents and soldiers. The locals were talking about a strange boy who supposedly had powers, but the boy disappeared with the monster.

    It had been more than a month since the incident, and the people in town were getting their lives back to normal again. There were no incidents since, but they did not have any answers from the government, and the news did not report the incident. It was as though there had been a cover up.
    ____________________

    Bob, a veteran policeman, was at the station when he encountered a monster. He fired a few shots at the it, as it smashed another cop into the wall. It only seemed annoyed and charged at Bob, throwing him into another wall. He slammed against the wall hard and everything went black.

    When Bob woke up in the hospital, he was interrogated by some "agents". They tried to convince him that he had been falsely recalling the events due to the trauma to his brain, but Bob had claw marks on his arm, and he was certain he saw the monster. He had to lie to get out. Bob still had wounds, but after a month, he was back to work again.

    Bob was shocked that none of the detectives were on the case and that no one was allowed to investigate. Officers had been killed, but the investigation was being done by the agents. No information was shared.

    Bob decided to start his own investigation, taking photos and collecting evidence. There was something strange going on, and Bob wanted to make sure he could keep his town safe. Upon his investigation, he found that the monster that had attacked him was unusually strong; it broke through thick wooden barriers and even eviscerated a cow.

    Bob spoke to everyone in town. The agents were watching him as he started to track down everyone who claimed that they had encountered the monster.

    -revised by WolfyWolf

    Notes: I suggest using more pronouns like "he" and "him" instead of Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob.
    Last edited by WolfyWolf; 01-17-2017 at 09:31 PM.
    Crippling Depression :3

  3. #23
    Registered User WolfyWolf's Avatar
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    MainMan- post #2

    Sev (Seven) had escaped from Hawkins Laboratory where experiments were being performed on him. He looked like a young boy, about 10 years old, but he had been artificially grown from a test tube and had really only been around for not more than 3 years. Sev was said to have similar DNA as the monsters in the lab, but he seemed like just a normal boy. He was kept in a constant state of sedation, and taught various skills subliminally.

    Sev didn't seem to have special powers or abilities, but after several painful tests, it was revealed that he was able to phase out and teleport. Sev was sedated after these tests, giving him no chance of escaping.

    When 'the incident' happened, agents and the scientists specifically in charge of Sev were killed, therefore there were no tests done on Sev, and he was not being kept sedated. After a few days, Sev was lucid enough to escape. During his escape, Sev unlocked the cells, enabling others to get out. As many subjects were much more dangerous than Sev, it created a good distraction for the guards, allowing Sev to use his powers to get out.

    -------

    Sev snuck around, hiding from anyone he came across and phasing into stores and such to steal food. Sometimes he would enter a house to get water and leave not even using the door. He was Keeping a very low profile. However, he quickly realized that there was a limit to his ability; he could only use it a few times a day, and it would leave him exhausted.

    ----

    After a good meal, Sev phased into an alley for a nap. Hearing a dog bark, he phased through another wall into a store, then phased out the next wall onto the streets again. He was very tired and his body was aching. He decided to rest in the alley. When he woke up, he was at the back of a police cruiser, two cops driving him away.

    -Revised by WolfyWolf

    Notes: Don't feel the need to jam everything in one sentence. Also, choosing and sticking to a tense is important. As this is the beginning, it's good to distinguish between your character's "then" and "now".
    Crippling Depression :3

  4. #24
    Registered User WolfyWolf's Avatar
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    Revenge- post #3

    Formerly, John was an FBI agent who worked on big crime cases. He had good analytical and tracking skills, and was an agent of the Division of Speical Sciences, a newly created department. He was there to monitor monsters and individuals with strange gifts or powers. He was also there to keep the locals in check and stop rumors from spreading too far or fast. Not only was the agency new, but it possessed its own power and funding.

    Right now he was on the hunt for 'seven'; an escaped person with powers to phase, an ability that would make things difficult. There would be clashes between the local police and the agents who had failed to keep this far recapture seven, but John had a different mission. John sought to get control of the situation, help the gifted, and defeat the monsters. As he was in charge out here, others from DSS at his disposal, he intended to complete his mission, no matter the cost.


    ----------------------------------------------

    John was listening to a scanner when he heard about two cops picking up a ten-year-old sleeping in an alley. John got into his black cargo black and revved the engine. He quickly drove to the reported location and was soon following the two cops, waiting for his chance to strike.

    -Revised by WolfyWolf

    Notes: You need to stick to a tense. It can get really confusing when you jump around. I get that it's difficult to know how to write when you're explaining something to the reader vs. telling the story. Also, I suggest looking at a paragraph when you're done with it and seeing if you can put the sentences in a more organized order.

    Opposite of MainMan: maybe try combining sentences a little more.
    Same as Mappy: you don't do it as much, but try using more pronouns.

    A minor thing, I suggest using the word for a number and not the symbol.

    IMPORTANT: We know that the reader knows seven as Sev, but would John know that? Also, how does his agency have information about Sev from the other agency if they clash? You don't specify if the other Agents are from his agency or another.

    -The second paragraph was very disorganized... I hope I understood it correctly.
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  5. #25
    Registered User WolfyWolf's Avatar
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    DX I'm not with the grammar police, I swear! I just genuinely want to help improve your writing and the story.
    Crippling Depression :3

  6. #26
    Registered User WolfyWolf's Avatar
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    Mappy- post #4

    Bob was patrolling when he spotted two men in an alley. He approached. The men seemed to be agents in suits. As he turned on his flashlight, he saw several soldiers limp on the ground. "What happened here?" He muttered. Suddenly a hand covered his mouth and he felt a prick in his neck. Everything went black.

    When Bob woke up, he found that he was still in the alley, and that he was with another cop who was still unconscious. He felt ok, and he still had his valuables; evidently, he hadn't been mugged. He woke the other cop up then returned to the station to report on the assault.

    At the station, Bob learned of several reports of gun fire, but no suspects were found.

    "Something is going on," said Bob, explaining the situation to several cops, speculating as to why he had been knocked out. "Those agents know something and they're not telling."

    "Let the detectives do their jobs, Bob," said the sergeant. "Just do your patrols."

    Bob wasn't happy with whatever was going on. Getting coffee, he met several other old cops. "You know, I think I was knocked out too," said an old old friend of Bob's.

    All of Bob's co-workers were certain that the agent were to be blamed for what happened and that they are indeed hiding information. Within the last month, there had been more cows killed and missing persons than there had been in the last ten years.



    -revised by WolfyWolf

    Notes: Try breaking up your sentences a bit. To smooth things out, separate things that don't specifically have to do with each other. Also, figure out what the focus of each paragraph is supposed to be and separate accordingly.

    Story wise, try not to treat "cops" as one entity. These are different people with different backgrounds who just share the same job.

    -I suggest using more contractions. Ex: did not = didn't. Was not = wasn't

    "Bob felt ok, and his possessions were not stolen." -I think this sentence didn't quite fit. It's easy to understand what was meant by it, but I think you should state the significance with it.

    -again I suggest the words and not the symbols for numbers.
    Last edited by WolfyWolf; Today at 01:24 PM.
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  7. #27
    Registered User WolfyWolf's Avatar
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    MainMan- post #5

    Sev tried to open the doors in the police car but there were no handles. He was getting scared. The guards, who also wore uniforms, never treated him well. He felt trapped again.

    The car stopped and a man walked up to talk to the cops. He looked into the car, saw Sev and smiled. Once the cop wound down the window, the man grabbed him by the neck, elbowing him hard in the head, knocking him out. The other cop quickly exited the car. The man leapt over and forced the cop to the ground.

    Sev was scared. He tried kicking on the door but it wouldn't open. The man continued to punch the cop until the he stopped moving. Done with that particular task, the man returned to the police car and opened the back door to find Sev missing.

    "Where did he go?" The man muttered as two motorcycle cops approached. He moved behind one and choked him silently. The other turned around, quickly drawing his gun, and called for backup on his radio for backup. "Officer down.. backup!" He shouted. He suddenly realized that the man was gone and his partner was on the ground. Then from beside him, the man disarmed the motorcycle cop, flipping him onto the ground. The man choked the the cop with his knee on his throat. The cop flailed helplessly, trying to move the knee. Soon, he stopped moving.

    ================================================== ==============

    Sev ran into the alley. He'd managed to teleport himself out of the car, but he was exhausted. When he hid in the alley, he saw the motorcycle cops on the ground and the man walking into the alley. Sev was scared. He ran, the man continued to walk into the alley towards him. Sev hid in the shadows, cowering, but the man reached into the shadows and grabbed Sev with his gloved hand. He pulled Sev's hair, dragged him out, then grabbed Sev's throat. Sev couldn't breathe. The man was inhumanly strong and within seconds, Sev went limp. The man lifted him over his shoulders to carry him, only to see more police cars and some cops searching around out on the street.

    "So annoying.." The man muttered, approaching the cops.

    A car arrived and while the cops were distracted, the man walked silently behind two fat cops. He grabbed their throats and pulled them into the alley. The cops struggled briefly, but were choked unconscious. "Two down... " The man muttered, observing the person who'd arrived.

    ==================================================


    -Revised by WolfyWolf

    Notes: improved from the last post, but a few of the same things I said. Also try using more contractions.

    -I wouldn't recommend using the word "flail" so much here. It makes me imagine the person just wiggling around while being choked instead of trying to actually get him off.

    Also, here's more words and variations for choking:

    Choke
    Strangle
    Suffocate
    asphyxiate

    I recommend looking up their actual definition.
    Crippling Depression :3

  8. #28
    Registered User WolfyWolf's Avatar
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    sorry if you hate me for doing this... you don't have to use it. I'm not trying to rewrite your stuff, I'm just making recommendations.
    Crippling Depression :3

  9. #29
    Registered User WolfyWolf's Avatar
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    Just noticed the times you all post... what country?
    Crippling Depression :3

  10. #30
    Registered User mappy's Avatar
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    ok, sometimes using him, may be confusing as there are too many subjects in the story. will try to improve writing but posting via phone is not very conducive to editing.

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  12. #31
    Registered User WolfyWolf's Avatar
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    I'm using a tablet
    My lap top sucks.
    Last edited by WolfyWolf; Yesterday at 11:30 PM.
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  13. #32
    Registered User WolfyWolf's Avatar
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    :C I really hope none of you take this the wrong way. I'm genuinely having a lot of fun with this rp
    Crippling Depression :3

  14. #33
    Registered User WolfyWolf's Avatar
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    Sitting here waiting like
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  15. #34
    Registered User mappy's Avatar
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    done

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