i am terrified, you know. what if i never love anyone as much as i loved you? bastard that you are. narcissistic hopeless romantic who made me believe in fairy tales and picket fences and growing old together. you loved me and hurt me with a passion i didn't deserve. killed me to finally, finally, leave you that night. and again, to see you trying so hard to erase the memory of me from your life. liquor and women and silent, suffering me, watching from far, far away, clinging to the fervent hope that my wounds would heal and, i don't know, maybe you and i would be okay in the end.
then to see your face again after so many months and wonder at the finality of it all. i was rendered silent by the eerie realization that i didn't love you anymore, but how -- oh god, how was i supposed to let you go? you held me like we never threw knives at one another. like our pictures hadn't found their way, shredded and tear-stained, into the ocean. like i was still yours.
to be perfectly honest, i wondered, just for a second..
but as much as i longed for you, wanted you with almost every little inch of me, i walked away again. forever this time, i kept saying. because i had him, and you had her, and it really was time to end this long-winding tragedy before the dying embers burst into flames again. we wouldn't have survived these fires a second time, i don't think. the truth was a part of me, the most important part, had already let you go. i just didn't know it at the time.